Grief Articles

Helping Family And Friends Grieve
© A. Edrich
All materials copyrighted

Please remember that the death of a child is debilitating. It’s like part of the parent has died along with the child—as though a part of his/her body is no longer working. Your friend, the parent, needs your help more than he/she is willing to let on. Pride will stop him/her from asking for help, as will the deep, all-consuming grief. When my child died, the separation was unbearable. Those that chose to fight alongside me—to help me deal with my loss—were the most precious gifts I ever received. They showed me grace, love, respect, tenderness, and unconditional love. Your friend will need you now more than ever. Use the following checklist to help you organize the help your friend needs.

1. Who is making the calls to extended family members and friends?
   
   
2. Who is making the funeral arrangements?
   
   
3. Is there enough money to pay for the funeral? If not, make arrangements to raise the funds through:
   • Simple letters to family, friends, colleagues
     
     
   • A special collection at church
     
     
   • A huge yard sale in cooperation with others
     
     
   • A bake sale
     
     
   • A car wash
     
     
   • Setting up a temporary non-profit account at a local bank
   
   
4. Will the parents be taking time off work? Most parents cannot go back to work immediately following the death of a child. They need time to grieve or they could make costly mistakes at work, bury their grief, or sink into a deep depression. If they don’t have the savings to take an extended leave from work, can you help raise some funds to help them?
   
   
5. Do you notice the mother receiving all the support and the father being left out in the cold? Or vice versa? See what you can do to even the load a little bit.
   
   
6. What groups or associations did these parents belong to? Meet with the leaders of these groups/associations and set up a plan to help these parents grieve easier.
   
   
   • Can one or more groups get together to provide dinner for the next two months? Each member can sign up for one day. (Make sure you find out if this family has any allergies to foods and if there is anything they cannot consume in their diet.)
     
     
   • Can someone stop by to make sure there is enough food and household supplies in the house? Can someone go shopping for the family on a weekly basis over the next four to eight weeks?
     
     
   • Can a group take turns sending anonymous cards every other day or at least once a week for the next year? Cards offer support and healing and let the parents know that someone has not forgotten their child.
     
     
   • Can a prayer chain be organized? Can others commit to one day or one hour per week for a year to pray for this family?
     
     
   • Can a group be organized to come over once a week to clean the house, do the laundry, and/or do the yard work for the next month or two?
     
     
   • Can someone come to walk the dog and feed any pets in the house once a day?
     
     
   • Does the family have younger children? Can a family member take the other kids for the first week so that the parents can consume themselves in their grief and not have to be strong for the sake of the kids?
     
     
   • Can a carpool be arranged to take the kids to and from school in the morning over the next two months?
     
     
   • Can someone speak to the kids’ teachers and principal to let them know about the death in the family and how the children may act strange because of it?
     
     
   • Was this an only child? If so, can someone stay in the home over the next few weeks so that the house isn’t so empty and lonely?
     
     
   • Who is the family’s most trusted friend or family member? Can he/she come in once every two weeks to pay the family bills? He/she doesn’t have to fork over the money, just write the checks from the family’s checking account, then have one of them sign the checks so bills are not neglected.
     
     
   • Is there a psychologist, psychotherapist, or counselor at the church the parents attended? Sometimes there is one on the church’s board. See if he/she can donate one hour a day over the next two weeks, then one hour a week for the following two weeks, to help these parents deal with their loss and not isolate themselves from each other.
     
     
   • Is there someone in town who has lost a child the same way? Would that person be willing to come and lend an ear, a shoulder, and maybe some reassurance that he/she understands?
   
   
7. Don’t judge. Your friend will say some off-the-wall things. Sometimes your friend will sound irrational, scary, and even suicidal. Often he/she is just venting. Getting the words out often sounds worse than the action he/she really plans to take.
   
   
8. Give reassurance. If your friend doubts himself as a good father or herself as a good mother, or even as a good person, reassure him/her by sharing things that you remember that make that person a terrific parent, friend, or person.
   
   
9. Accept the anger directed at you as just that—“anger.” Your friend may feel so comfortable and safe in your relationship that you become the outlet for his/her anger.
   
   
10. If you can’t come by on a daily basis, call every day for the first three weeks, once every other day for the next three weeks, then once a week after that. Don’t be surprised if your friend stops answering the phone. If you get an answering machine, simply say, “Hi, I just wanted you to know that I am here if you need me and that I am thinking of you.”
    
    
11. Did you see something in the store that reminded you of your friend’s child? Or of your friend? Buy it, wrap it up, and take it to your friend. Sometimes a simple reminder of the good times can be healing—even if your friend doesn’t show it right away.
    
    
12. Plant a tree or flower in honor of your friend’s child. If your friend doesn’t own a home or have a yard to plant a tree or flower in, make arrangements with the local parks and recreation committee or local school system to have a special ceremony in honor of that child and plant the tree or flower on public or school property. Sometimes you can even add a small ground plaque next to the bush or tree you planted.
    
    
13. Come by and make your friend sit on the porch and get some sun. Make some tea or coffee, set up a nice spot under the sun, and just sit together. You don’t have to speak. In fact, you may find that your friend sits there looking like a zombie. Don’t take it personally. Your friend is so consumed by grief that he/she simply cannot force words to come out of his/her mouth. Your presence is very much appreciated.
    
    
14. When your friend becomes more coherent, ask him/her to go for a walk. Your friend needs exercise. There is some kind of chemical reaction that takes place when one exercises that helps alleviate the depression.
    
    
15. If your friend hasn’t left the house in a few weeks, the first trip out can be frightening. Make arrangements to go on your friend’s first outing and make a day of it. Run errands, but end the day eating out at your friend’s favorite restaurant.
    
    
16. Make a collage of your friend’s child’s life and frame it. Then on the one-year anniversary of that child’s death, give it as a gift to your friend.
    
    
17. As the cards and letters come in expressing empathy and sympathy over your friend’s loss, collect them and put them in a scrapbook. When your friend starts to heal, he/she will have times when he/she feels no one cared about the child that died. Being able to look through that scrapbook will remind him/her that others do care.

About The Author:
Alyice Edrich believes that eulogies, written from the heart, pay respect to the deceased, and give honor to his/her memory. Hire Alyice to help you write your eulogy, tribute, or funeral speech. Learn More

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